Status Winners

If the grass is greener on the other side, I pee on it. - Cassie Turner

Laura is trying to avoid both moral and financial ruin...and failing.

Rachel Montanaro just celebrated my 29th birthday, and my highschool graduation!

Aaron Schmaltz leads a thoroughly un-carbonated existence.

Annonymous is contemplating on the importance of flatulance...

Lindsay is a huge proponent of the courtesy flush. - Lindsay Maxfield

I've noticed that love seems to make the muddy window clear. - Haley Fieldhouse

I finally had an epiphany about suffering and death: the first is supposed to make me long for the other. I think it's working.

I swore I'd not kill myself if she stayed. She told me not killing myself was, frankly, not helpful.

James fell off his bike, scrapped his knee and reminded his ego what it was like to be 14yrs old again.

Was sitting in the dark eating dinner, then realized a woman alone on a Friday night was depressing enough, and turned it on. - Maya Stein

Julie Dobbins has seceeded from the time/space continuum.

As it turns out, I CAN sleep through bagpipe music. - Lindsay Maxfield

I feel old, alone, done for. Yet I have this tickle in my throat that makes me want to scream that I do believe in fairies, I do, I do.

Like the rug cleaning man who frequented her home, Susan divided her life into that which was feces and everything else. - Susan Sheu

Sara forgets that people can still hear you fart if you have your earphones in. - Sara J. Droste

Sydney is keeping tallies of how many times the girl in the front row and the boy in the back make a comments in Parenting 160. Right now it's 5-7

LEAH: may ignite nearby combustibles.

Kari Lyn Otto has two children; their names are Mom and Dad.

I need wine and lots of it.

Only sixteen, yet still middle-aged. - Casey O' Toole

I'm thinking about the day we all got fired.

Memoirs Ink is on fire.

Lolo the japanese fighting fish is looking through his glass house at Christina's plate of sushi.

Jonah is writing other people's suicide notes.

Sally knew there was going to be a problem when the nurse asked her, "So, have you had a hysterectomy before?"

Scott has to keep his astrology knowledge a secret while working at the observatory.

For all Felice cares, Texas can go to hell. 

Sam Allard has been writing chapter one since 2004.

Kenny Cross is scared to open a certain mystery package. 

Kyle Dickerson finally understands why 2+2 sometimes equals 5. 

Brigid C. Strait has stopped Facebook-stalking her brother.  

Eliza's cat just gave her a present. It will cost ten dollars to have animal control dispose of this present. 

Ben Hansen is excited about the eight million dollars that is going to be deposited in his bank account by a very polite South African man who contacted him via email.

Maraei Peeni is contemplating how ironically expensive it is to live in the Land of the Free. 

Christina is looking for the deadly fart culprit responsible for killing her sixth grade class. No one is alive to own up to it.  

Paul Frasier has stopped having conversations with his penis. 

Peter Mikhail wouldn't let it lie.

Suzie Fernandez married the same man twice. 

Joanne Howard would never marry the same man twice. 

Suzie Fernandez should never have married the same man twice. 

Mora Finnerty is at peace after giving the Praying Mantis a proper burial. 

Kat Salazar just ate half a shaker of salt, don't judge. 

Roopali Shah has no idea how all that porn ended up on her computer. 

Mary Reed is telling strangers the banal subject of her life. 

Betty Sleep has seen her shadow and is going back to bed for six weeks. 

Jeff Rose-Martland may contain nuts.

Felice thinks there should be a place in Heaven for lost clothes; a place where we can come to reclaim our sentimental issue. 

Jackie wants to drown her calendar.

A homeless man just approached Felice on a restaurant patio and said, "hey. Wouldn't it be neat if I was you?"

Betty wonders if Holden would think she's a phony. 

Phoebe is being green by grafting books to trees.

If Felice were to dance, she would enthrall even squirels. 

Cancer cells are having a party in Randy's pancreas. 

Maggie is waiting by the phone. But not for the reasons you think. 

JoJo is a slave on love's plantation.

M J N is like feet without shoes. Like ticks without the tocks. Like me without you. 

Michael is all up in my business like I am a star. 

James is a healthy chef who eats Felice's ice cream in his sleep. 

Adam hates it when little kids spit on his bald head when he goes up the escalator in the mall.

Brian was upset that he didn't get into UCLA, until he hit his head on the sidewalk and that really gave him something to cry about. 

Jerry is still carrying a gun because of all the imaginery people who were stalking him in Vietnam. 

The maggot lady thinks we are all Satan's children.  

Christina can taste the vodka in the air.

Shawna wants to know what the heck is in our water supply that is making rainbows the visible spectrum.

Suzy just went to an open mic poetry reading and died a little.

Christina wet her flaming panties with cold water and started dancing to "I'm Every Woman." 

E-harmoney set Diana up with her brother.

Lindsay is pissed the cable cut out during my Lifetime Original Movie before the girl who is undercover in a fat suit reveals her identity & shames everyone for shunning her at prom.

Kenny is typing this from a dumpster.

Sophie is a new room on a new street in an old city.

Valerie Thomason is still waiting for grandpa to die.

Kenny got hit in da face.

Ada Sin is busy barbequing pop tarts in her garage.

Roopali Shah is off candied plums and sugar fairies.

Jessica Hoard is waxing nostalgic about someone else's past.

Vicki Eorio is Aggg! I am becoming my parents.

Ada Sin is going around telling people you're actually 53.